Since 2010, I have moved to another place...

e-X-i-l-i-u-s @ tumblr

or more specifically

via e-X-i-l-i-u-s @ tumblr

Originally, this blog was supposed to be for my bookmarks (links) and new findings... but somehow through the passage of time it turned into a place for my esoteric expressions to live.

I was afraid, not of the darkness but what it hid,
Then I went I learned to use it and to see within it,
Everyday I find myself further into the darkness,
With each step, something is consumed... something I mistook for myself.

But this darkness is deep

Embrace the darkness



The darkness is the window of the unknown. The darkness is the texture of reality. The darkness is

我们总是里黑暗了。。。黑暗的无知

From the perspective of who we think we are, things seem to change.

From the perspective of what we really are, it is not things that change but ourselves (as who we think we are).

Who is to say that the ground of spacetime is not static and any particular lifeline we take is merely a linear expression across that ground... one of many, forever frozen, as the texture of what we would consider absolute. [2020 update]

Deathday : 1 ("Mrtyor mam amritham gamaya")

It is a behavior that has been widely adopted and practiced to celebrate one's birthday which foreshadows much of humanity's addiction with creation. Survival is an essential function of the animal (thus human) apparatus, but that particular positive over negative situation is only what it is and nothing further. It is when that addiction spreads underneth the web of reactions and passions that a person undertakes, in a course of a life, that the obtrusion of delusion manifests.

As it is not so much what we are as what we are not that unveils our underlying condition, a birthday is therefore a journey in the wrong direction (as any direction outward opposes the direction inward) from oneself in an atempt to affirm oneself. Perhaps this is a reason some have always felt so unattached to a birthday or need of, to that extent, depsite a multitude that want to celebrate it with them? Yet, is not the birthday a celebration of one's survival and therefore a worthy condition for celebration? 

One's idea of self is incomplete as one only has a finite memory of an infinite number of experiences that have come before further complexified by the vast number of  reflexes the muscles have acquired without memorative imprint. There is no self to be found via the coliqual meaning of the word. Instead, there are a collection of memories (assumptions) and imag[e]-inations (presumptions) that shade the light from the ground (the physical) of ourselves. The conception of the self is, necessarily, a deception of the self. Misplaced celebration lacks substance. Something happened that is worth celebration, this late in the game . . .

Today is a memorable day for me. Today is 'my' [opposite of birth]day. The death of 'my' tree of false-knowledge. That de-conception is the only thing worth celebration, for we spend --many longer than I--our lives within the illusion of our mental creations. To ignore the insubstantial flulf is to de-cognize the deception (the conception) of self. Subsequent celebrations are to be taken as concept-contraceptives until the entire facadual forest is uprooted.

. . . and it took 8888 days for me to realize.

"Mrtyor mam amritham gamaya."  (trans., from death lead me to immortality)

– Brhadaranyaka Upanisad, 1.3.28

Pl-ease sta[y]-ND by[e] for re-ad[d]-justMEnts T[a]O occur . /| . in time, at the intersection of clarity and opaquity, style will occur. This 'site' continues in the non-continuous sense to adapt to the adept . . .

Unspeakables : 1
There is a monster in my closet and each night it comes to whisper in my ear all the truths I never asked to hear. 'I know the darkness in their hearts and this is how I tell them apart' so speaks this monster to my heart. And in the happiest moments of my life, when I think it's gone for just one night, I see the world at its end (a permutation). Sometimes I hear its voice whisper to me just then of what and who I am to them. A lesson or a sign but its voice is never the same, always slightly different each time. And the people I see who are blind until that end they who are lost within dream-like fantasies still pretend. And at the climax when both the lesson and the story become clear I lose sight of who I thought I was and all that selfish fear. I then awake awake to my life's lie. I hear their praise and complain but now they sound the same. I see their reactions and pain but they remain unchanged. They still pretend as who I thought I was once did. I act my part while clarity stays but only temporarily as it must know for it always returns when I always forget and pretend that I am naive again, just like them. Until I face it, I am still not truly alive. I am no different than any I have met and what I gain I must grant.

Who you think you are and who I think I am are the roles we thus portray. Yet, when you lose your act or script you lose your way. Then what purpose is there for you each day? To play the only game there ever was. Never forget the roles you chose to play and get stuck in some so-named 'way'--a pseudo-slave to ignorance.

Who do you think you really are? Why would I ask you, anyways?

Say goodbye to who you think you are. There is a monster that you imagine, but there is no closet nor monster in reality.

The Spider : 1
All things are connected, not via some fabrication of feelings or longing expressed by those who do not understand but via causality (cause and effect) within known reality. Yet, as previously noted this too is an approximation of the truth.

Consequently, that which you do affects the whole of the cosmos, but whatever you do might also be caused by the cosmos. Then do we (a self) do or are we done by something else? Paradoxically [it may seem], neither we ourselves act nor are we ourselves the actions of something else. Since, we are the effects of the else and that which is else is the effect of something further... there is a web-like chain of cause and effect [known as Karma] leading back to particular sources--those whose actions were without cause. A self and the else merely re-act to what comes before them. Thus we shall define true action as follows, that which escapes the chains of causality; action is that which is outside the circuit of before and after. Finally, we shall also define the Self (not a particularity) as that which precedes everything (i.e. all subsequent reactions; reaction-ality).

For how much of what you do is action rather than reaction? ... and what can you say about those around you--do any of them act? It seems rare to witness action in place of reaction, yet if you did how might you know?

The more you act (rather than react) the more you are alive. The more you are alive the more you are then a source of action and thus a catalyst for reaction--a web spinner.

Ask yourself: How might the fly know when it is caught (trapped and controlled) in the web? It is only a fly and, as you'll soon see, there is so such thing.

Ignorance : 1
All doctrines of reality are false because a doctrine must be expressed in a language (even cognized) and therefore also be confined by that language. Reality that we explain is less than reality. Whatever your doctrine states is inaccurate. The end.

Back again? These things do change.
You seek as I did?
I have returned from the confusion.

The past blogs have been hidden with respect to time's veil . .  .   .    .     with a possibility to pop into and out of . .  .   .    with respect to memory's functionality . .  .

Loose Strands : ~1

All is change, except abstract truth.

I am as you, I am change.

"No teaching is ultimately helpful that declares the powerlessness of the individual in any direction ... for its effect is not the full development of one's powers, but their partial stultification." - U.G.

Learn to master all circumstances... this requires concentration not needless wasted time that you'll never recover, this requires self-reliance (within) instead of misplaced dependence upon anything without. Learn true possession and events will yield to you.

"But we are not able... circumstances are too much for us" -- private

Too much for our actual (developed) power of control, but never too much for our potential.

"True change cannot occur within laws and limitations, predictions and imaginations." -- I.U.

True change is bound by one's ideals; perceptions colored and labeled by one's ideas, understanding becomes biased. Learn to see patterns in everything. All knowledge is thus, fact will follow fact, each having its day, till the fact of each fact, the principle (the true-in-itself) becomes known. Learn to the see patterns within patterns.

"Ignorance is trust." -- R.Scott Bakkar

Can you defend against the unseen? What you ignore may not ignore you.

"Better wake up, you sleepy head, the big old world will pass us by, so many things we could do instead, get what you want with your lucky eyes." - P.O.

I am as you, I am nothing.

None of this lasts, it's all change, except this game. Accept this game. .

An eclipse is rare. The light we see, each day above, dispels the darkness that surrounds it. It is more-often the case that we are to watch light's power over darkness, one-half of the battle.

A butcher is rare. For, so-termed "modern" society, food is already [as we so easily forget] grown, killed, maimed, and processed; as our wrapped food lacks the sig[-n]nature of death. It is more-often the case that the pseudo-connoisseur see's sustenance without death, an incomplete picture.

An un-happy ending is rare. As our standard language lacks a sufficient word for such as the "unhappy ending", we are instead bombarded with the un-real-istic happy ending, as to our fortune ['they' say], and to our amateur-ish vulnerability [un-fortunately]. It is more-often the case that one fails to follow their deepest desire[-s], to live a life [out of fear of the not-known and un-learned] of struggle that they see no alternative to; they believe that change might destroy whatever lesser happiness they have, from that damned happy ending. The result? Non-prepared, non-realistic, and ignorant human-beings constituting a majority. A majority that, when left un-checked, will destory whatever as-sumed progress has been accomplished; simply, the elimi-nation of that very 'stuff' which is currently sought and fought over. You witness it, in those, or yourselves who turn their conscious attention away from the war and toil caused by preserving one's religious doctrines(belief-structures). You witness it, in those, or yourselves who push the elderly, mentally unstable, or equally-considered "broken" person---without ascertaining one's own mal-function---out of sight and mind. You witness it, in those, or yourselves who deny [out of fear] death, and succumb to fantas[-y]tic delusions. Our children see half the actual-ity of total-ity because much is censored from their un-accustomed eyes. Society casts a blanket over those "rare and un-natural" moments, yet, despite their ignor[-ing]ance, it [naturally] exists, and will arise. At that time, the apparent apocalyptic caus[-e]ality, not-doubtedly forseen by many doctrines, yet, buried beneath layers of interpretations will be real-ized(made real).

How few have seen the black engulf the white. How many are then blinded from lack of in-sight. How feeble is [your] knowledge, without the will to fight. As direct as I can be: I. Your fears of death are the limits each of you must bypass! II. It's foolish to fear what is unseen and unknown! III. What room is there for change, within rules(laws) and regulations(limitations), expectation(predictions) and wishes(imaginations)?

This is a quest-ion for everyone. "If you'll open your eyes to the truth, a real secret is there."

[It] killed the boy that was, for whatever reasoning followed...it was essential.

to escape the eclipse

skill to comprehend,
nor will to understand,
do you possess within,
when you assume the end,
actions pose imitation,
and willpower is pretend.

toward the scorched horizon,
beyond their hopes or reason,
i've set forth to finally become,
by essential challenge,
what had always beckoned,
sung by the awakened.

[If, as nothing, I return,] I'd meet again to talk your 'truth(?) of error', [in the end.]

Darkness of the heart.

Ink Boy: "There once was a boy who never had fun.
To him the world was black and there was no sun."

There's now a girl who understands,
that blackend heart, of that young man.
She could bring her sun[light] into his land.
And he'll be joyful 'till the end;
'til her last beam of sun grows dim.
Then they'll greet his darkness, once again,
but, 'this time things change' says her hand... holding his.

One can never know the light without the dark.
And there's no lonliness, within one's heart,
without another, who first broke it apart.
Thus, toward the unknown, one must start,
and seek until one finds one's way ^(oneself), lurking in the dark.

Beware the monsters of a black, cold heart.
To venture alone, in this dark---perilous art.
So will she help him find his way?
Point her finger towards his safest fate?
Save him from that same mistake?
That I too, years past, once made,
To learn how easy one can stray.
To skip within the range of blackest flame.
To tempt my life with the Abyss de Pain.
All because I went alone with hate.

And whether curse or blessing, it's too late.
And I dare not teach you the way.
But I warn of dangers that await.
Unless you find a needle for your thread,
to guide you where you need be led.

the day has come
to let go of holding on
and fade out and become
a shadow of the sun
a shade of change
another done un-done

the fear(s) of loss

The two of you play a tainted game of love and pain, longing and gain.
But in the end it's still the same... two halves spiraling around playfully, in focus or blurred... complementaries obtaining their true meaning, as the truth of this world is expressed completely.
...
I love so deeply.
Everything else loses flavor.
Everything else seems incomplete.
You are the only thing my eyes will see.
But do you feel the same about __?
...
Everything she'd ever do wasn't quite as it'd seem.
What if the girl you think you know, is nothing but a dream.
...
Emotions cloud reasoning.
Reasoning is endless.
Relative life is limited.
...
Learning to let go of what I fear to lose.
Learning to let go of what I don't know.
Forget who I was and who I want to be.
Forget what you did and what it will mean.
It's not choosing this [fucked up] reality.
It's a point of view outside of me.
...
This is the last [psuedo-]step.

[lost] dreaming

sometimes, life is so-a-like a dream....

unpredictable, ever-changing.... and sometimes you even realize that you're dreaming... you have a degree of choice to either wake up, or take control of everything within your dreamed world.

and if you happen upon that moment, standing at the cross-roads of control and awakening... you could shift your gaze around and see the other-side of the many sights you dreamed up and passed by.

only then, at that specific moment (as best as words can distinguish), are you ready to choose your next step, and you must choose, for danger's close at hand/mind.

until then was there ever true choice (so called 'free'-will)?

I claim that true choice is born from pre-choice (conditioning a.k.a. fate). However, the real treasure is beyond-choice.

Let go... towards the unconditioned, towards the horizon, and towards the unknown.

The essence of this analogy is expressed systematically across reality.
Always two choices when awakening... leave it all behind, or gain unnecessary ^supercontrol
But what of their synthesis?

Dreams pucture reality. [Is the way out, straight through?]
I feel broken without discipline.

Zodiac Warriors

The cub concealed, the scorpian arrives at the virgin's side.

Still can't say what you mean,
or clearly can you see,
and mean what you say.
You're surrounded by eternity,
---and yet you fade away!

The scorpion is stung. A mother, the virgin becomes.

Revealed what was concealed,
you remind me, that i forget what is real.
Was it essential to undo what was done?
---or is this the truth from which I run?
Confusing assumptions with reality.

Fate is not sealed but the lion is revealed.

My world is getting smaller everyday as everything's taken away.
I've decided [and convinced myself] not to stay...
[More and more] I think there was no other way,
All this truth converges [toward that fate].
That way, I cannot  [safely] go down, again.

Tales reborn with magical lies. How long shall the dreamers dream, tonight?

Fading away, the entire dream.
Nothing is quite as it seems.
Keep looking but can't find yourself still hiding in between.
Reflecting the sadness felt, is that all you want to be?
Be bold my dear, go beyond the so-called fear,
Haven't you heard? We cannot die, not here, not right ---
--now... let's begin again, toward the horizon,
And forget how this is all supposed to end.

Within the pool the waters spiral...
Within the plane of conscious denial...
Within my grasp the children torn...
Within the past the answer is born.

When the day has come, this shall be done un-done.
The truth will change your world [and ascertain your potential.]
After that day, nothing shall remain the same.

Itachi's Letter.

I'm tired of the respons[e]ibilities... there is no future for this soc----... I cannot walk the[ir] path any longer.

Nothing is beyond our total capacity.

How many have forgotten what is most important to them, because they cling to something insubstantial [incomplete and unreal] like their identity and beliefs?

"True change cannot be made if it's bound by laws and limitations, predictions and imagination."

It's foolish to fear the unreal, the unknown, and the inevitable.

How one fails to measure their capacity--to see the depth of reality.

How blinded by time; this psuedo-dreamer's dream ultimately ends one [mis]concept[ion] at a time.

If you open your eyes [your-self] to the truth, the real secret is written there [everywhere].

You too, dear hypo-thesis* can awaken the same >< as he [had].
You too, luminous [and potential] syn-thesis** are neither [limited by] this crude matter nor this fleeting interpretated translation.

(* Hypo- : under-before)
(** Syn- : unity-totality)

Shall no one cross this un-crossable abyss?
And it is dark; time, space, and concept will blur.

"The only way out is through," (a)cross the bottomless abyss.
And it is dangerous, "once open, the door never closes."

No longer fear what you see [past the reflection]...

What you want.

Do what you want to do.
Say what you want to say.
Will you be who you want to be?
Will you choose the way you want to play?

And what is holding you back? What is blocking your way?
Change to remain, there is nothing that you lack.
Change is the game, there are no real limits today.

Happiness is a state of mind. [Static subsides.]
Choose to live the life you want.
Saddness is a state of change. [And lonliness fades.]
Choose destiny the synthesis of fate and chance.

For you,
friends,
lovers,
Father,
Mother.

What could I ever try to say?